content warning for discussion of domestic abuse and general doom, as suggested by the title

i talked a little bit about it on my tumblr (cw domestic abuse mention) but i did a cpr and first aid course over last weekend, and had an unexpected but pretty bad moment. a couple of young guys made an amber heard and johnny depp joke during a training scenario where the instructor told us that one of the boys had punched me and broken my nose, and the instructor, a self-admitted true crime fan, laughed and joked with them about it as well, even when i told them that it wasn't funny. on top of the fact that i had to spend 16 hours over the course of the weekend with a bunch of unmasked/improperly masked people after isolating a week to make sure i could even go in the first place, the whole thing was a pretty unpleasant experience.

the only highlight of that weekend was the only other person in the room wearing an n95 mask. during a break on the second day, we talked outside for a bit and she told me that she was also working for the same entity that i worked for. she was not surprised that i was being paid minimum wage for my job (yay, student job) and even less so when i told her about the time our employer tried to not give us our legally-mandated lunch breaks. between her haircut, her clothing, and the fact she was the only other person with an n95, she also seemed pretty gay which was cool, and i hope she picked up on my own gay vibes when she came to talk to me outside.

that being said, most of both days were pretty miserable, and the misery pushed me to start a script/manifesto/manuscript/whatever that had been kicking around in my head for a while. i don't want to talk too much about it in public, but here are a couple cliff notes about it (which should also elucidate why i don't want to talk about it in public too much):

  1. the title of the manuscript file, and the working title of the project, is currently THE CASE FOR TRANS CRUELTY
    • (not trans cruelty as in transphobia, but trans cruelty as in trans people being cruel)
  2. in my "vision board"/tag for the project on a locked side blog on tumblr, one of the posts is (cw for violence and medical abuse) flyingpurplepizzaeater (formerly stimmyabby)'s eternal post lets throw all our limbs at doctors, which i felt could also expand to how trans people are made to jump through hoops for any sort of healthcare, but also just outlines how i feel doctors should be treated
  3. part of the document's contents is dialogue snippets i think of when doing other things, and i keep finding myself just hashing out conversations i wish i could have and how i would want them to go. so far this mainly includes a fake(ish)1 trans interview podcast talking with the main character about how tumblr and twitter use "messy queer stories" and "reality =/= fiction" in really, really annoying ways, plus how the in-fiction/real life TCFTC is set apart from those things by being meant to be a narrative manifesto, not fiction
    • i feel like i'm sort of creating a body of work with main characters that are loosely based on myself/are fractions of myself, as the main character of TCFTC is also sort of meant to be an extension of the parts of me that others would consider vengeful or manipulative. shaggy dog story is another story that has characters that are basically author avatars -- the dog on the cover, the groomer on the cover, and the person attempting to cut their hair all count. on a related note, i've begun working slowly on a SDS extension/sequel that is about the relationship between the two characters on the front cover.
  4. i might have to start studying transgender philosophy. i really do not want to have to get into philosophy. philosophy is hard to my brain. but my hand may be forced by the main character being a philosophy grad student/phd candidate

we'll see if this manuscripto goes anywhere, or if it was just a spur-of-the-moment vent that needed to happen.

1: The Gender Reveal podcast is a cool podcast and i think the host is a great person. i had been listening to a lot of that podcast when i was writing the manuscripto, so i based the structure of the in-fiction podcast, as well as the host, on it. i am clarifying that i like the podcast because the main character acts like a bit of a know-it-all contrarian to the host and i don't want to imply that's how i feel towards the REAL host, lol. tuck seems pretty cool and their podcast is great. you should listen to it.